Missing My Mom

I've spent a good amount of my adult life telling people that "I just feel thankful that I had my mom for 18 years." I would tell them, "You know some people never experience the kind of love that I did." That was my happy go to line. When someone found out that my mom died when I was younger I would quickly tell them those things so they wouldn't feel so sorry for me anymore.

So that they would know that I was a positive person and no need to feel weird about the topic. I could be looked at as this strong person who was always positive. If only my heart was revealed.

Don't get me wrong, I do know those things and I do feel them but part of it is a lie. We as people lie to ourselves to protect our hearts. To hide away what we are really feeling. It is too much to feel lost or lonely.

A week from tomorrow will be my mom's birthday, August 5th. She would have been 62. I don't even know what she would be like at that age. She doesn't even know me as an adult. She doesn't know my husband, my kids, or me.

For a lot of my life I kept my feelings deep inside. Too scared to realize the pain and hurt that I felt.

If she was alive how would it feel to call her? To have a mom to go to? Have a place that was a central spot to get together with my brothers.

I know that I had it good. I did have my mom's love for a long time, and some people never experience that.

It doesn't take away the sadness and the hole in my heart that I feel. It doesn't take away the loss that is felt. Lots of people feel this loss each day. Maybe it is a mom, a dad, a brother, sister, grandparent, I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child. We all have people that we lose. That we love.

What would life be like if she were alive? Would we have big family get togethers to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas? What would my kids call her? Would they look at her like she was an angel like I did?

Its just not fair sometimes. I want my mom here. I want her to know me and my family. I want her to be at my kids birthday parties. I want to call her and tell her I love her and I miss her. I just want her here.

I miss her. As the years go by since her death it is hard to keep the memories of her alive. I don't think about the memories as much probably because I am too busy in my own life. Then when I do think about her it is hard to remember. Hard to think about our times together when I was younger.

I know I love her and I know I miss her.