I've spent a good amount of my adult life telling people that "I just feel thankful that I had my mom for 18 years." I would tell them, "You know some people never experience the kind of love that I did." That was my happy go to line. When someone found out that my mom died when I was younger I would quickly tell them those things so they wouldn't feel so sorry for me anymore.
So that they would know that I was a positive person and no need to feel weird about the topic. I could be looked at as this strong person who was always positive. If only my heart was revealed.
Don't get me wrong, I do know those things and I do feel them but part of it is a lie. We as people lie to ourselves to protect our hearts. To hide away what we are really feeling. It is too much to feel lost or lonely.
A week from tomorrow will be my mom's birthday, August 5th. She would have been 62. I don't even know what she would be like at that age. She doesn't even know me as an adult. She doesn't know my husband, my kids, or me.
For a lot of my life I kept my feelings deep inside. Too scared to realize the pain and hurt that I felt.
If she was alive how would it feel to call her? To have a mom to go to? Have a place that was a central spot to get together with my brothers.
I know that I had it good. I did have my mom's love for a long time, and some people never experience that.
It doesn't take away the sadness and the hole in my heart that I feel. It doesn't take away the loss that is felt. Lots of people feel this loss each day. Maybe it is a mom, a dad, a brother, sister, grandparent, I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child. We all have people that we lose. That we love.
What would life be like if she were alive? Would we have big family get togethers to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas? What would my kids call her? Would they look at her like she was an angel like I did?
Its just not fair sometimes. I want my mom here. I want her to know me and my family. I want her to be at my kids birthday parties. I want to call her and tell her I love her and I miss her. I just want her here.
I miss her. As the years go by since her death it is hard to keep the memories of her alive. I don't think about the memories as much probably because I am too busy in my own life. Then when I do think about her it is hard to remember. Hard to think about our times together when I was younger.
I know I love her and I know I miss her.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
New begginings.
Tomorrow I will eat healthy. Tomorrow I will start running again. Tomorrow will be the day that I start doing this... or tomorrow I will quit this...Tomorrow I will _____.
What will you do tomorrow?
I love that I've started over like 50,000 times. The funny thing is that I think the reason that I always want to say I will start tomorrow because that means I can eat whatever I want to eat that day, because tomorrow I am starting over.
It is a free pass. I can eat anything because it is my "last day" eating unhealthy. I kind have to eat as much as I can or it wouldn't be a very good last day of eating unhealthy.
Tomorrow I will eat healthy. Tomorrow I will start running again. Tomorrow will be the day that I start doing this... or tomorrow I will quit this...Tomorrow I will _____.
What will you do tomorrow?
I love that I've started over like 50,000 times. The funny thing is that I think the reason that I always want to say I will start tomorrow because that means I can eat whatever I want to eat that day, because tomorrow I am starting over.
It is a free pass. I can eat anything because it is my "last day" eating unhealthy. I kind have to eat as much as I can or it wouldn't be a very good last day of eating unhealthy.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Marriage: Speaking A Different Language
It is hard to write creatively when I'm not depressed or when I haven't had a glass of wine to get my brain thinking but here goes...
Do you ever feel like you need an interpreter at your house even though you speak the same language? Someone to tell your husband what the heck you just said or what you are trying to say or the other way around.
Last night Eric and I talked about something for about 20 minutes and I'm not even sure if we were both speaking English. I didn't have a clue what he was saying and I am pretty sure that he didn't know what I was saying either.
If you've never felt this way in your marriage or relationship then that might even be a bigger problem.
Tonight I am thinking about how good I feel because I ran today and I feel so much better when I run in the morning. (I guess I had to throw a line in about running since I love it!!!)
I am also thinking about how thankful I am that Eric and I have been married 10 years. Don't get me wrong we've really just started learning how to really LOVE each other in the past 3 years, through God's grace. The first 7 years of our marriage seemed like we did everything wrong that we were supposed to do right. Maybe it was due to getting married young, maybe we were immature, who knows. All I know is I'm glad we've made it this far.
Each day we learn more,and each day we grow closer to what God has for us.
I grew up thinking that once I got married everything would be perfect. I had an unrealistic version of marriage. I don't know why I thought that , because my parents were divorced. Eric seems to think I've watched too many Hallmark movies (he won't admit that he watches them with me now :)
Marriage/Relationships are hard. They take work. Some years more than others.
I do know that when we are sitting on the back porch at 80 drinking a glass of wine or a Blue Moon we will look at each other and be thankful that we continued down the road of the unknown.
Do you ever feel like you need an interpreter at your house even though you speak the same language? Someone to tell your husband what the heck you just said or what you are trying to say or the other way around.
Last night Eric and I talked about something for about 20 minutes and I'm not even sure if we were both speaking English. I didn't have a clue what he was saying and I am pretty sure that he didn't know what I was saying either.
If you've never felt this way in your marriage or relationship then that might even be a bigger problem.
Tonight I am thinking about how good I feel because I ran today and I feel so much better when I run in the morning. (I guess I had to throw a line in about running since I love it!!!)
I am also thinking about how thankful I am that Eric and I have been married 10 years. Don't get me wrong we've really just started learning how to really LOVE each other in the past 3 years, through God's grace. The first 7 years of our marriage seemed like we did everything wrong that we were supposed to do right. Maybe it was due to getting married young, maybe we were immature, who knows. All I know is I'm glad we've made it this far.
Each day we learn more,and each day we grow closer to what God has for us.
I grew up thinking that once I got married everything would be perfect. I had an unrealistic version of marriage. I don't know why I thought that , because my parents were divorced. Eric seems to think I've watched too many Hallmark movies (he won't admit that he watches them with me now :)
Marriage/Relationships are hard. They take work. Some years more than others.
I do know that when we are sitting on the back porch at 80 drinking a glass of wine or a Blue Moon we will look at each other and be thankful that we continued down the road of the unknown.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Words Can't Describe This Post
Wasn't this blog supposed to be about running instead of eating?
Apparently it is about running to the frig.
What is the addiction to food?? Why do I love it so much?
If you are reading this and you are tired of hearing me complain about my eating problems and how I get pissed off if I eat a gallon of ice cream, then turn your electronic device off and don't read my *(^^% blog. This is really like a diary for me and I feel so much better after I write.
This isn't about running right now. This is about a person that loves food too much and has issues with portion control. Yes, that is me. It sucks. Really I don't care if anybody really understands where I am coming from. I fight with food constantly.
Yes, my past 50 blogs have been about how depressed I am about all the eating. You are probably thinking get over yourself already and eat healthy and please go visit your local therapist. Well, I am thinking that too.
It really isn't that easy. Anybody that has any type of food addiction or any addiction at all can relate.
I'm not depressed, well as I type that maybe this is denial, maybe I am depressed I am just in denial. No. I am a confident person who is happy but has a secret about being addicted to food. This is my insecurity. This is where I feel like someone shit on my face. This is where I have no control. I feel good in lots of other areas. I am good at a lot of things, just not eating.
I like control. I like organization. What teacher doesn't??? Maybe that is the problem. This is one area of my life that I have trouble controlling and I don't know why. I can't figure it out.
Was I born this way? Destined to fight with food. Genetics????? I don't know. What does Science say? What does God say?
Would He say I am lost and need to come home? Would "Science" say I need a diet pill to even out my (insert smart word)?
Does it have to do with the fact that I love writing? Maybe it is easier to write when you feel bad about yourself or your body. Maybe that is when I feel one with the world, when I can express my inner emotions. Does anyone else ever feel this way?
Why is our society all about, "Oh everything is fine. How are you doing? Great. Really? Is everyone in this world great or fine? I once read on a blog about how Fine was the christian "F" word and this really stuck to me. You ask someone how they are doing and does anyone ever say: "Today really sucked, my kids didn't listen to me, my this and this and this. No. It is always JUST FINE or GOOD. If they do go on a rampage of complaining then they are labeled "Debbie Downer." I guess if you make it a habit that is different, you are debbie downer and you need to seek help.
I am not Debbie Downer, and I know that. If you know me then you know that I am the complete opposite of Debbie. I am like Sarah. Smiling Sarah.
But I would love to ask someone how they are and for them to actually tell me the truth. Someone to say that they had a shitty day. My real true friends tell me when they've had a bad day and that is when I know that they are really a friend.
What would I write about if I felt happy about my body? "Oh, today was a good day I feel great. No emotion. No wanting that other personality, confidence in your body. No deep desire to get rid of the food cravings." Shit how boring. Happy lives are boring.
If you are happy, you are boring. Just kidding. You aren't. I am happy in a lot of ways, but there are things that I struggle with.
Disclaimer #1:
Ginnie Deaton is insecure about her body and has eating problems. Please note that she is a lovely person, enjoys life, would like to run for office one day, and has over a million things a day to be happy for.
Disclaimer #2:
Ginnie Deaton uses this Blog to rid her negative/evil thoughts.
Disclaimer #3
Ginnie Deaton loves to write fictional stories about her own life. (maybe realistic fiction) (ok it is real)
Disclaimer #4
nothing else.
Hug your friends, your family, feed your dog, and most importantly: If someone ask you how you are: Tell them the "F" word "Fine".
Apparently it is about running to the frig.
What is the addiction to food?? Why do I love it so much?
If you are reading this and you are tired of hearing me complain about my eating problems and how I get pissed off if I eat a gallon of ice cream, then turn your electronic device off and don't read my *(^^% blog. This is really like a diary for me and I feel so much better after I write.
This isn't about running right now. This is about a person that loves food too much and has issues with portion control. Yes, that is me. It sucks. Really I don't care if anybody really understands where I am coming from. I fight with food constantly.
Yes, my past 50 blogs have been about how depressed I am about all the eating. You are probably thinking get over yourself already and eat healthy and please go visit your local therapist. Well, I am thinking that too.
It really isn't that easy. Anybody that has any type of food addiction or any addiction at all can relate.
I'm not depressed, well as I type that maybe this is denial, maybe I am depressed I am just in denial. No. I am a confident person who is happy but has a secret about being addicted to food. This is my insecurity. This is where I feel like someone shit on my face. This is where I have no control. I feel good in lots of other areas. I am good at a lot of things, just not eating.
I like control. I like organization. What teacher doesn't??? Maybe that is the problem. This is one area of my life that I have trouble controlling and I don't know why. I can't figure it out.
Was I born this way? Destined to fight with food. Genetics????? I don't know. What does Science say? What does God say?
Would He say I am lost and need to come home? Would "Science" say I need a diet pill to even out my (insert smart word)?
Does it have to do with the fact that I love writing? Maybe it is easier to write when you feel bad about yourself or your body. Maybe that is when I feel one with the world, when I can express my inner emotions. Does anyone else ever feel this way?
Why is our society all about, "Oh everything is fine. How are you doing? Great. Really? Is everyone in this world great or fine? I once read on a blog about how Fine was the christian "F" word and this really stuck to me. You ask someone how they are doing and does anyone ever say: "Today really sucked, my kids didn't listen to me, my this and this and this. No. It is always JUST FINE or GOOD. If they do go on a rampage of complaining then they are labeled "Debbie Downer." I guess if you make it a habit that is different, you are debbie downer and you need to seek help.
I am not Debbie Downer, and I know that. If you know me then you know that I am the complete opposite of Debbie. I am like Sarah. Smiling Sarah.
But I would love to ask someone how they are and for them to actually tell me the truth. Someone to say that they had a shitty day. My real true friends tell me when they've had a bad day and that is when I know that they are really a friend.
What would I write about if I felt happy about my body? "Oh, today was a good day I feel great. No emotion. No wanting that other personality, confidence in your body. No deep desire to get rid of the food cravings." Shit how boring. Happy lives are boring.
If you are happy, you are boring. Just kidding. You aren't. I am happy in a lot of ways, but there are things that I struggle with.
Disclaimer #1:
Ginnie Deaton is insecure about her body and has eating problems. Please note that she is a lovely person, enjoys life, would like to run for office one day, and has over a million things a day to be happy for.
Disclaimer #2:
Ginnie Deaton uses this Blog to rid her negative/evil thoughts.
Disclaimer #3
Ginnie Deaton loves to write fictional stories about her own life. (maybe realistic fiction) (ok it is real)
Disclaimer #4
nothing else.
Hug your friends, your family, feed your dog, and most importantly: If someone ask you how you are: Tell them the "F" word "Fine".
Monday, July 16, 2012
I am REALLY BEAUTIFUL because of Jesus
It is amazing how many times I look in the mirror and I think negative thoughts about myself.
Fat butt.
Flat butt.
too big boobs.
not perky enough
too big belly.
small down the front but not on the sides
big face.
fat hair.
swollen arms
too thin hair
small legs, big upper body
chipped tooth
It is also amazing how many times I look in the mirror and think how beautiful I am. No matter what weight issues I have with myself for some reason I always end up thinking I look ok. Maybe its because I know that God made me and he doesn't make ugly. Maybe its because I know that I am stronger and deeper than sometimes how I feel on the outside. Maybe its because I know that by God's grace I am saved from all the bad things in the world. Maybe its because I was raised to believe in myself no matter what.
Maybe when I look in the mirror I see Jesus' love instead of my own unworthiness.
I don't know.
I do know that I am beautiful.
My eyes are pretty. My skin is smooth. I am funny. I am smart. I love everyone. I would do anything for my friends. I have people that love me and I feel it. I enjoy laughter. I love hugs. I like to dance. I love to read. I like being around people. My kids are my world. I love teaching. I enjoy growing in my profession. I love Jesus. I love music, even though I can't play it. I have fun. I love my husband. I love food, sometimes in an unhealthy way, sometimes not. I am unique. I am me. Sometimes happy, sometimes depressed.
I know that we all go through ups and downs. Good and Bad. Feeling like we are on top of the world and feeling like we could crawl to the deepest, darkest cave.
What matters is what do you do when you want to crawl to the deepest, darkest cave of life?
Do you show love?
Kindness?
Ask yourself, what do you do?
I know that I am really beautiful. Not because what I weigh, or what I wear, or what I look like, but because my Father above loves me and has sent His Son to die for me and my sins.
Thank you Jesus for loving me for me.
Fat butt.
Flat butt.
too big boobs.
not perky enough
too big belly.
small down the front but not on the sides
big face.
fat hair.
swollen arms
too thin hair
small legs, big upper body
chipped tooth
It is also amazing how many times I look in the mirror and think how beautiful I am. No matter what weight issues I have with myself for some reason I always end up thinking I look ok. Maybe its because I know that God made me and he doesn't make ugly. Maybe its because I know that I am stronger and deeper than sometimes how I feel on the outside. Maybe its because I know that by God's grace I am saved from all the bad things in the world. Maybe its because I was raised to believe in myself no matter what.
Maybe when I look in the mirror I see Jesus' love instead of my own unworthiness.
I don't know.
I do know that I am beautiful.
My eyes are pretty. My skin is smooth. I am funny. I am smart. I love everyone. I would do anything for my friends. I have people that love me and I feel it. I enjoy laughter. I love hugs. I like to dance. I love to read. I like being around people. My kids are my world. I love teaching. I enjoy growing in my profession. I love Jesus. I love music, even though I can't play it. I have fun. I love my husband. I love food, sometimes in an unhealthy way, sometimes not. I am unique. I am me. Sometimes happy, sometimes depressed.
I know that we all go through ups and downs. Good and Bad. Feeling like we are on top of the world and feeling like we could crawl to the deepest, darkest cave.
What matters is what do you do when you want to crawl to the deepest, darkest cave of life?
Do you show love?
Kindness?
Ask yourself, what do you do?
I know that I am really beautiful. Not because what I weigh, or what I wear, or what I look like, but because my Father above loves me and has sent His Son to die for me and my sins.
Thank you Jesus for loving me for me.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Salt
Today was my third day this week that I ran. It is very hard to stop at 2.5 miles when your body is telling you to do more. I am determined to not get hurt as I begin to run again. I was nervous that running would be difficult for me. I thought that maybe I would have to start all the way from the beginning.
I was wrong. I blew through my runs. They were easy. My physical therapist told me to start slow. He gave me a back to running schedule, which I had to change because there was no way that I was going to start that slow.
I am going to listen a little bit and take it easy. I really wanted to keep going today but I didn't. It feels so good to run. No other exercise compares to it.
I thought I was doomed last night. For some reason we ran out of salt in our house. We've never run out of salt, ever. I don't think growing up we ever ran out of salt either. It is just something you don't run out of.
We thought about asking our neighbors for salt. We just couldn't bring ourselves to do it.
Eric and I were renting a movie last night and we wanted popcorn. Who eats popcorn without salt? Nobody.
I said I would go get it. He had worked all day and I was off. I played back in forth in my head if I should make a quick hidden trip to get some ice cream. I decided no. As I was walking out the door Eric asked if I would pick up some ice cream from the store and some coke.
Really?? I am going to the store to buy ice cream, salt, and coke. I mine as well throw in a case of beer and a few bottles of wine and paint Gluttony on my forehead.
Of course they had Breyers buy one get one free so I had to go along with the special. Butter Pecan was calling my name. I bought some bananas too, I didn't want to have a heart attack just carrying all that junk food to the car.
It has been a few days since I've had ice cream so I felt ok with eating some of it last night.
I was wrong. I blew through my runs. They were easy. My physical therapist told me to start slow. He gave me a back to running schedule, which I had to change because there was no way that I was going to start that slow.
I am going to listen a little bit and take it easy. I really wanted to keep going today but I didn't. It feels so good to run. No other exercise compares to it.
I thought I was doomed last night. For some reason we ran out of salt in our house. We've never run out of salt, ever. I don't think growing up we ever ran out of salt either. It is just something you don't run out of.
We thought about asking our neighbors for salt. We just couldn't bring ourselves to do it.
Eric and I were renting a movie last night and we wanted popcorn. Who eats popcorn without salt? Nobody.
I said I would go get it. He had worked all day and I was off. I played back in forth in my head if I should make a quick hidden trip to get some ice cream. I decided no. As I was walking out the door Eric asked if I would pick up some ice cream from the store and some coke.
Really?? I am going to the store to buy ice cream, salt, and coke. I mine as well throw in a case of beer and a few bottles of wine and paint Gluttony on my forehead.
Of course they had Breyers buy one get one free so I had to go along with the special. Butter Pecan was calling my name. I bought some bananas too, I didn't want to have a heart attack just carrying all that junk food to the car.
It has been a few days since I've had ice cream so I felt ok with eating some of it last night.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Running and Crack
On Saturday I ran for the first time in about a month or so. Since I've been hurt I've been fiending for running like a crack addict outside of Dollar Tree.
I've never tried crack but I can relate to depending on something and then having to quit and wanting it back. Although I am sure that it is more difficult to give up crack compared to running. Although I will say that running alters my mind, so maybe it is just as hard.
It felt so good. I've missed it. I wanted to run forever but I didn't push myself because I was scared I would get hurt again. I get released from physical therapy this week. I am sad to go because it really does make for some entertainment. I will miss the really weird intern and listening in on everyone's conversations. I will have to go hang out at the mall or something and stalk people.
I ran on the treadmill (which sucks but it is better then not running at all) I walked uphill for half a mile and then I ran 1.5 miles. It was amazing. I feel so alive when I run, like I am lost in my own world. Nobody else is around me and I think of nothing. I wanted to keep going, but I didn't.
Tomorrow I have another date with the treadmill. I can't wait. I am imagining the day that I will run outside again.
I have done really well eating the past 3 days. There has been ice cream in our freezer for at least 5 days, I can't believe it.
I am determined to get over this fatness. I hate it. I love how I feel when I am healthy.
I am ready to sign up for another half-marathon.
I've never tried crack but I can relate to depending on something and then having to quit and wanting it back. Although I am sure that it is more difficult to give up crack compared to running. Although I will say that running alters my mind, so maybe it is just as hard.
It felt so good. I've missed it. I wanted to run forever but I didn't push myself because I was scared I would get hurt again. I get released from physical therapy this week. I am sad to go because it really does make for some entertainment. I will miss the really weird intern and listening in on everyone's conversations. I will have to go hang out at the mall or something and stalk people.
I ran on the treadmill (which sucks but it is better then not running at all) I walked uphill for half a mile and then I ran 1.5 miles. It was amazing. I feel so alive when I run, like I am lost in my own world. Nobody else is around me and I think of nothing. I wanted to keep going, but I didn't.
Tomorrow I have another date with the treadmill. I can't wait. I am imagining the day that I will run outside again.
I have done really well eating the past 3 days. There has been ice cream in our freezer for at least 5 days, I can't believe it.
I am determined to get over this fatness. I hate it. I love how I feel when I am healthy.
I am ready to sign up for another half-marathon.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Dear Ginnie
Dear Ginnie,
I think you are really nice and pretty. You have beautiful blue eyes and you are really funny. You are a really good teacher and you make the best cakes. You can eat Ice cream like nobody I know. You like to camp and read, which means that you are smart. There are a few things that I need to talk to you about...you are getting on my nerves.
1. Get over yourself
2. Quit feeling down
3. Be thankful
4. Stop acting like you are the only one that has an issue with ice cream
5. Go to the $&@! gym already
6. So what if you can't run right now, at least you can walk
7. Buy stock in your local therapist
8. Please sign up for some type of race or something to get you motivated
9. Get your hair cut and layer the Chapstick on thick
10. Get over it
I am sorry that I am writing to you and being so rude but sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with your brain? Did you miss the line for self-control? Did you fall asleep during health and nutrition class? Did you have a seizure in the middle of "how to be happy 101?". I am really excited that tomorrow you are starting a "healthy life" again for the 50th time. You can do it. I am on your side. Please let me know if you need me.
Sincerely,
Your Friend
I think you are really nice and pretty. You have beautiful blue eyes and you are really funny. You are a really good teacher and you make the best cakes. You can eat Ice cream like nobody I know. You like to camp and read, which means that you are smart. There are a few things that I need to talk to you about...you are getting on my nerves.
1. Get over yourself
2. Quit feeling down
3. Be thankful
4. Stop acting like you are the only one that has an issue with ice cream
5. Go to the $&@! gym already
6. So what if you can't run right now, at least you can walk
7. Buy stock in your local therapist
8. Please sign up for some type of race or something to get you motivated
9. Get your hair cut and layer the Chapstick on thick
10. Get over it
I am sorry that I am writing to you and being so rude but sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with your brain? Did you miss the line for self-control? Did you fall asleep during health and nutrition class? Did you have a seizure in the middle of "how to be happy 101?". I am really excited that tomorrow you are starting a "healthy life" again for the 50th time. You can do it. I am on your side. Please let me know if you need me.
Sincerely,
Your Friend
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Finding God
Finding God
I continue to look for Him but I can't find Him
I know he's there waiting for me to come home,
Love never failing
Waiting for me
With each word the guilt cuts my heart
He still waits for me, Love never failing,
Searching for love that only comes from the Father
Wanting and hoping,
He still waits for me, Love never failing
Where are you?
Why have you gone?
I know you are here but the feeling is empty,
I reach for your hand but i don't feel you
I call out your name but nobody answers,
He still waits for me, Love never failing
Looking in all the wrong places
I know you're there, Love never failing,
drifting away
Pull me back
Tug at my heart
Tell me you're there,
Reaching for something that resembles His love,
Hoping for love never failing
searching for You don't you see?
Reach down and pull me out,
I will find you, I know you are there
You call to me
Your love never failing,
Finding God.
I continue to look for Him but I can't find Him
I know he's there waiting for me to come home,
Love never failing
Waiting for me
With each word the guilt cuts my heart
He still waits for me, Love never failing,
Searching for love that only comes from the Father
Wanting and hoping,
He still waits for me, Love never failing
Where are you?
Why have you gone?
I know you are here but the feeling is empty,
I reach for your hand but i don't feel you
I call out your name but nobody answers,
He still waits for me, Love never failing
Looking in all the wrong places
I know you're there, Love never failing,
drifting away
Pull me back
Tug at my heart
Tell me you're there,
Reaching for something that resembles His love,
Hoping for love never failing
searching for You don't you see?
Reach down and pull me out,
I will find you, I know you are there
You call to me
Your love never failing,
Finding God.
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